Don’t Ask Me 4 Shit
T-POST® #187
From my early teen years and well into my mid-thirties I was plagued by a chronical case of FOMO. This may appear like a mild disorder, but this irrational fear of missing out took a toll on me both physically and mentally. I’d go weeks without anything resembling a healthy amount of sleep, go straight from my day job to my job at a nightclub and attend every social gathering that would have me. Even though I was working 60 hours a week and lived in a cheap flat shared with three or four others, I was always tapped out, spending all earnings on $18 red bull-vodkas, impractical clothes, and countless cab rides. There wasn’t a new store opening, seedy nightclub event, or magazine launch party I would not attend, and it was utterly exhausting.
Repeat after me: “Don’t ask me for shit – I’ve got a case of the FOSNO.”
But the over the past decade I’ve gradually transformed: from extrovert, to introvert, from perpetually craving the quick social fix, into dreaming of solitary weekends binge-watching Yellowstone, solo-camping or just driving aimlessly on backcountry roads listening to early Lana Del Rey. These weekends of delightful isolation rarely become reality, as I’ve apparently traded one personality disorder for another. The FOMO has mutated into FOSNO – Fear of Saying NO.
The term FOSNO was originally coined in the training of oncology physicians, encouraging students to set clear boundaries as to not cave under the excessive workload and pressures of juggling research and publications, medical responsibilities, and the patient’s expectations.
FOSNO, to put it simply, makes you take on way more than you should. In my case the FOSNO is aggressive. I’ll instantly agree to participate in never-ending work functions, non-paying wedding-DJ gigs, or committing to the role of soccer coach – effectively eliminating any chance of a carefree solo-weekend in the foreseeable future. I just can’t say no.
Some psychologists attribute the diminished capability to say “no” to the imposter syndrome. This is commonly described as a “behavioral health phenomenon connected to self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals.” An individual suffering from imposter syndrome has an internalized fear of “being exposed” as frauds, unworthy of their success or luck. Saying no would be an admission of not having what it takes. It has been estimated that nearly 70 percent of people will experience signs and symptoms of imposter phenomenon at least once in their life, for some of us – it’s a lifestyle.
Some psychologists attribute the diminished capability to say “no” to the imposter syndrome. This is commonly described as a “behavioral health phenomenon connected to self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals.” An individual suffering from imposter syndrome has an internalized fear of “being exposed” as frauds, unworthy of their success or luck. Saying no would be an admission of not having what it takes. It has been estimated that nearly 70 percent of people will experience signs and symptoms of imposter phenomenon at least once in their life, for some of us – it’s a lifestyle.
The Freudians, not surprisingly, tie FOSNO-related behavior to childhood. From an early age, children are taught to be polite and forthcoming – if a parent or teacher tells you to do something saying, “no” is met with punishment or other negative reinforcement. In many cases this will follow the individual into adulthood, leading to a conformity. In my case, this was not likely a factor. If I was to take Carl Jung’s word for it, it’s just imprinted in my DNA. In the Jung’s 12 Archetypes I’d probably be characterized as “The Orphan” – longing to be accepted by the group, easily manipulated constantly craving a sense of belonging.
No matter what psychological ailment may lie beneath, the result is the same. My crippling inability to say no have invertedly resulted in a long string of half-finished projects, broken deadlines, disappointed offspring, and frustrated life-partners. I commit to everything and deliver on nothing.
Browsing the web, it becomes painfully obvious this is has become an epidemic. Type in “How to say no” on google and you’ll get more than 10 billion hits, including (but not limited to) the audio book ‘The Power of Saying No’ by Vanessa Patrick, Time Magazine article ‘Yes, You Can Get Better at Saying No’ by science reporter Angela Haupt, and a Master Class in ‘How to Say No Politely’.
If none of this takes, there’s one simple sentence you can memorize and use every time. It’s simple enough to remember even under pressure: “Don’t ask me for shit.” And if you still find yourself struggling – just wear this shirt, close your eyes, and point to your chest. That should clear things up.
